adoptee

Frequently Asked Questions

Aside Dillon P.Leave a comment

Part 1 – You asked, we did our best to answer!

Where are you adopting from?

We are adopting domestically, which just means from the US. We are not going through the foster care system but are going through private adoption. This means that on average the children are newborns up to about two years old.

Why aren’t you doing foster care?

We have gotten this question often especially when we start talking about the cost of private adoption. While we have a heart for foster care we came to the place last summer where we realized that foster care at this time is not for us. When stepping into foster care the goal needs to be family re-unification not adoption. These journeys have similarities but are honestly two very different journeys with very different goals. This difference and the unpredictability of foster care have led us to pursue domestic private adoption.

Why aren’t you doing international adoption?

Each country has their own requirements for adoption but most countries have requirements for length of marriage, age of both spouses, ect. When we did our research for international adoption we realized that we were extremely limited in our choices of countries and decided that we would rather wait and be able to make a decision later on in life on whether or not we would adopt internationally. This decision isn’t really on a monetary decision as the cost for domestic adoption and international adoption are not extremely different depending on the situation and the country.

Why does it cost so much?

The shock is always evident when we explain the costs behind domestic adoption. The fees and costs involve many different government officials who have to do paper work and the legal matters to insure that all goes smoothly. Honestly it is difficult to swallow the cost because people want to adopt but feel they can’t afford it. We recognize that there is a real issue with the cost and this is primarily the adoption professional’s fault. The “ick factor” of the adoption business, is just that, a money making business, some professionals profit greatly from this work. It is not OK. As we pursue adoption we are making a concerted effort to scrutinize each professional expense to the best of our ability and to hold the adoption professionals that we use to not only legal standards but ethical standards.

Are you open to any race or ethnicity?

Absolutely, and we feel that the Lord is leading us to do this. This decision isn’t one made in ignorance though. We have spent countless hours already leaning in to what this would mean for us, our families, our community, and the child that is placed in our home. We didn’t come to this decision because we “didn’t want to be racist” or because “the wait for a white baby is longer”, rather we have done our best to make sure that this was an educated decision.

What is the difference between and open, semi-open, or closed adoption?

Openness refers to the relationships with the first or biological family. There has been a large out of research that has come out in recent years that points to the openness in adoption to be beneficial for all sides of the triad. Openness can be anything from letters and pictures sent a certain number of times a year to visiting with biological family. This decision is ultimately made by the birth mother but is not something that is enforced after the adoption is finalized. This is the relational part of the adoption, this is the part where we recognize the beautiful pieces and the hard pieces of adoption.

Why do you want to do an open adoption?

We are greatly hoping for an open adoption and would have to really pray through a closed adoption if that is what the birth mother wants. In the end because openness is not enforced after adoption it becomes a relationship between the adopted family and the biological family after placement. Each situation is different and can change in the years following placement. From our side of things we have determined to do what is best for the child not what is most comfortable for us and we will pursue openness whenever possible.

Have a question for us? Message us and ask, we love talking about the real pieces of this adoption. We will post another blog with some more questions in a few days!

Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity!

Psalm 133:1

Ethical Language in Adoption

Aside Kirsten P.

What “ethical language” means and why it is important.

One of the simplest ways that we can strive to walk through this adoption season well is using the kind, ethical, and considerate language surrounding adoption. By making an effort to use these and other ethical phrases and words we are being respectful and kind to all parties in the adoption triad. What and how we say things can have a huge impact and the reasoning behind certain phrases can reveal what we believe about adoption. This phrase from AdoptMatch helps sum up the importance of our words and phrases.

Language is the vehicle we use daily to communicate our ideas and notions about the world we live in. And although we might not be aware of it, there is also a subtext to the words we choose, reflecting our values in subtle ways, even when we aren’t consciously trying to do so. Words have a way of shaping/revealing our beliefs and thought processes.

“their real mother/father/parents” > biological mother/father/parents or first family

This one might seem basic but often its what rolls off the tongue when you don’t think about it. Adoptive parents aren’t fake parents and biological parents aren’t the real parents. Adoption creates a triad and all involved play a very important role.

“did the birth mom give him/her up?” > Did his/her first/ biological /birth mom make an adoption plan?

When we say that a mother gave her child up we are implying that the decision to give away the child (like a possession) was something taken lightly. This decision isn’t an easy one and we want to respect the difficulty of putting a child’s well being above a mother’s feelings, and desires. The choice to make an adoption plan not easy and

“children of your own”? > biological children

An adopted child is not less of our child because they do not share our DNA. God has called us to this adoption and has called each and every one of us to make disciples. We believe that we are called to raise this child as a disciple of Christ just the same as we would with a biological child.

“birth mom” > expectant mom

When a mother has made a birth plan but is still pregnant she has not terminated her parental rights. She is still the mother of the child and the adoption is only a plan until she has signed the TPR (termination of parental rights). When we are matched with a mother she will be an expectant mom until the adoption is finalized at that point she will become the birth mother.

“adopted child” > child

After the adoption has been finalized there isn’t a need to specify that the child was adopted when meeting people or introducing the child. Adoption isn’t a bad thing and it shouldn’t be a secret. Adding “adopted” every time you refer to the child will constantly separate the child from just being our child. Adoption isn’t something anyone should be ashamed but it isn’t what defines this child, the love of Christ and parents that want to raise him/her to be a disciple of Christ is what matter most.

“She decided to keep her child” > She decided to parent her child

Saying that an expectant mother chose to “keep her child,” implies that the child is a possession to be had and ignores the responsibilities of parenting. Instead, by saying she will “parent her child” shows that she is choosing to parent instead of placing for adoption, which is very much within her right and an option that she should feel empowered to choose. When a mom comes to a place where she feels ready and capable of parenting her child we want to celebrate with her and also add her to our prayers!!

Common Phrases to Avoid
  • It is so wonderful that you have adopted a child in need!
  • You son/daughter is so luck to have been adopted by you!
  • You child is so much better off with you as a parent.
  • I could not raise someone else’s child.

“What’s wrong with these phrases?It is very important to consider positive adoption language when talking to adoptive families about their children. The phrases mentioned above are problematic because they are based on misguided assumptions about adoption. Phrases like these imply that adoptive parents are more saint-like than the birth parents and are somehow better and more fit to parent. They also imply that adoptees should feel grateful, and even indebted, to their adoptive parents for adopting them, which completely ignores all the losses associated with adoption. These kinds of phrases are damaging and need to be erased from the adoption dialogue.”- AdoptMatch

We know it may seem like a little thing but the implications of some of these phrases can change the way we respect a child’s first family or the way a child views themselves. We know that God calls us to do everything to the best of our ability and to view others as more important than ourselves. We believe that changing our language can accomplish both of these things. Thank you all for your love and kindness in this and for everything you are doing for our family.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Ephesians 4:29