Education

Frequently Asked Questions

Aside Dillon P.Leave a comment

Part 1 – You asked, we did our best to answer!

Where are you adopting from?

We are adopting domestically, which just means from the US. We are not going through the foster care system but are going through private adoption. This means that on average the children are newborns up to about two years old.

Why aren’t you doing foster care?

We have gotten this question often especially when we start talking about the cost of private adoption. While we have a heart for foster care we came to the place last summer where we realized that foster care at this time is not for us. When stepping into foster care the goal needs to be family re-unification not adoption. These journeys have similarities but are honestly two very different journeys with very different goals. This difference and the unpredictability of foster care have led us to pursue domestic private adoption.

Why aren’t you doing international adoption?

Each country has their own requirements for adoption but most countries have requirements for length of marriage, age of both spouses, ect. When we did our research for international adoption we realized that we were extremely limited in our choices of countries and decided that we would rather wait and be able to make a decision later on in life on whether or not we would adopt internationally. This decision isn’t really on a monetary decision as the cost for domestic adoption and international adoption are not extremely different depending on the situation and the country.

Why does it cost so much?

The shock is always evident when we explain the costs behind domestic adoption. The fees and costs involve many different government officials who have to do paper work and the legal matters to insure that all goes smoothly. Honestly it is difficult to swallow the cost because people want to adopt but feel they can’t afford it. We recognize that there is a real issue with the cost and this is primarily the adoption professional’s fault. The “ick factor” of the adoption business, is just that, a money making business, some professionals profit greatly from this work. It is not OK. As we pursue adoption we are making a concerted effort to scrutinize each professional expense to the best of our ability and to hold the adoption professionals that we use to not only legal standards but ethical standards.

Are you open to any race or ethnicity?

Absolutely, and we feel that the Lord is leading us to do this. This decision isn’t one made in ignorance though. We have spent countless hours already leaning in to what this would mean for us, our families, our community, and the child that is placed in our home. We didn’t come to this decision because we “didn’t want to be racist” or because “the wait for a white baby is longer”, rather we have done our best to make sure that this was an educated decision.

What is the difference between and open, semi-open, or closed adoption?

Openness refers to the relationships with the first or biological family. There has been a large out of research that has come out in recent years that points to the openness in adoption to be beneficial for all sides of the triad. Openness can be anything from letters and pictures sent a certain number of times a year to visiting with biological family. This decision is ultimately made by the birth mother but is not something that is enforced after the adoption is finalized. This is the relational part of the adoption, this is the part where we recognize the beautiful pieces and the hard pieces of adoption.

Why do you want to do an open adoption?

We are greatly hoping for an open adoption and would have to really pray through a closed adoption if that is what the birth mother wants. In the end because openness is not enforced after adoption it becomes a relationship between the adopted family and the biological family after placement. Each situation is different and can change in the years following placement. From our side of things we have determined to do what is best for the child not what is most comfortable for us and we will pursue openness whenever possible.

Have a question for us? Message us and ask, we love talking about the real pieces of this adoption. We will post another blog with some more questions in a few days!

Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity!

Psalm 133:1

Friends & Family

Aside Kirsten P.Leave a comment

Well hello!

The holidays are finally over and some semblance of a normal schedule has returned to the Pegram house. We had a lot of fun of Thanksgiving and Christmas spending time with our families. We also were able to go to 4 wedding for friends in December and January, it’s so much fun getting to watch two people become a family. While weddings are gorgeous days for celebrating my favorite part is watching the married couple as they proceed into marriage, it often doesn’t look anything like either of them planned. I will never forget only a couple months into marriage texting my mom asking for prayer over something that my new husband and I were struggling with, she asked if she was allowed to share with a few family friends. Over the next couple of weeks texts would randomly come in at the hardest moments from people letting us know that they were praying. A family of brother and sisters in Christ is an invaluable blessing.

As we got to spend time with family we have just been reminded of the value of family and friends. We have been so blessed with a group of people behind us willing to pray, encourage, correct, support, and love us and we don’t ever want to take that for granted. We have been blown away by the kind of support and encouragement that we have already received.

Most couples have a desire to adopt but end up not pursuing it due to the overwhelming price and the thought of fundraising. When Dillon and I decided to pursue this adoption we had a peace about the finances (Not to say that we have never gawked at the cost or worried how we would actually pull it off). We both have seen over and over that when God calls His people to something He provides the means to do it. We have a peace in knowing that we could not do this by ourselves.

While we prepare for the adoption we are spending a lot of our time doing our best to educate ourselves on adoption. We have learned a lot about the process of adoption, but we have also been learning a lot about what ethical adoption looks like. We have learned that in the history of adoption a lot of the focus has been on the adoptive parents and then on the adopted child. Only in the recent past have we begun to look at the first family as a vital piece of the adoption triad. Dillon and I have been given such a heart for these women who are placing their children for adoption.

Are you interested in learning more about how you can help us in the adoption? As we are learning so much we are reading several books, listening to podcasts, reading experiences and stories from adoptees and birth moms, and more. It can be hard to sort through this information and figure out how to best pass some of this information on to others. Thankfully one of our favorite podcasts recently came out with an episode just for family and friends of those who are adopting. You can listen to this extremely helpful episode on their website or on any podcast player.

We are so grateful for all of the support we have received so far, and we don’t just mean monetarily. Your prayers are not over looked, and the intentionality behind your questions, your willingness to listen to us as we talk through things, and your interest in learning more with us are all things that we so deeply appreciate.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 13:7

Consultant Company or Placement Agency

Aside Kirsten P.Leave a comment

When we started looking into the first steps we realized that the agency or consultant company was an important decision. The company you choose will be responsible for sending your profiles of expectant mothers, presenting you to these mothers, answering your questions, referring you to attorneys, and home study companies. They are your main point of contact.

One of our big goals is to adopt ethically. This may seem like a given but the ins and outs can be a little foggy. Part of adopting ethically is making sure that the expectant or birth mother is treated with dignity and respect. Adopting ethically also means knowing where your money is going, unfortunately there are too many people who seek to take advantage of expectant mothers and hopeful adoptive parents and while there are something that you just couldn’t know ahead of time having a company who is paying attention to red flags is a must.

Consultant companies are usually non-profit companies that can be a middle man hopeful adoptive parents. Consultant companies are hired usually at the beginning and they refer you to home study companies, help you figure out how to fund raise, save your money, and apply for grants. They also are there to point you to resources and answer your many questions as you walk through this journey.

Consultant companies also make it so that you do not have to pick one agency and wait until they have an expectant mother to match you with. Some agencies match quickly because they have an abundant amount of expectant mothers who trust them and other have more waiting families than they have expectant mothers. Some couples wait years because most agencies require a large upfront payment (sometimes half the adoption costs) and then they don’t have many opportunities to present or sometimes you may have preferences that don’t match what this agency’s mothers fit.

When Dillon and I were looking at both consultant companies and placement agencies we didn’t feel too strongly one way or the other. As we began to search the list of possible consultants that we liked and we felt comfortable grew while the list of agencies stayed small. As we researched the benefits and the cons of consultant companies we realized that the helpfulness, and the intimacy offered by a consultant company would be invaluable and was just what we were looking for.

This means that we will hire a consultant company before starting our home study so that we can get first hand knowledge on the best company near us as the home study is a very important and educational piece of this puzzle. This also means that we will be presented to mothers from multiple agencies and then once we are matched we will essentially be matched with an agency as well.

One of the more difficult things about going with a consultant is that we are not specifically looking at the agency requirements and ethics until after we are matched with an expectant mother. We have made sure to choose consultant companies that pay close attention to the ethics of the agencies that they work with and we feel such a peace in this decision.

Right now we have two christian consultant companies that we are deciding between. Both have excellent reviews, are professional and easy to reach, and line up with what we are looking for. The main differences are the way that expectant mothers are presented and the length of time that the agencies have been practicing, one has been around much longer and the other is newer. We would love your prayer as we seek God’s wisdom in this decision, we really don’t feel like there is a right or wrong answer but more are trying to make a big decision.

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.

James 3:17

Basics

Kirsten P.Leave a comment

What is the big picture of domestic infant adoption?

One of the first things I did when we started this process was join one of the bigger domestic adoption support groups on Facebook. I have known many families who have done foster care, adopted out of foster care, and adopted internationally. I knew a lot less couples who had done domestic adoption and even fewer who had done so in the last 3 years (things change all the time in the adoption world). I knew I needed to dip my feet in someone and learn where a good starting point was.

So there is a general flow of adoption…

  1. The Home study (can take anywhere from 2 to 11 weeks)
  2. Creating the family portfolio
  3. The Wait (the average pre-placement is anywhere from a few weeks-4 years)
  4. Getting Matched ( a couple can match with more than one expectant mother before an adoption)
  5. The birth of the child and Termination of Parental rights
  6. Finalization

The home study usually the first official step for any type of adoption and the home study varies based on if it is for a domestic adoption, international adoption, or foster to adopt. The home study, while it does include a walk through of your living space, is not really about your home. The home study is the assessment of the couple or family that would be adopting a child and their ability and readiness to go through the process. Your home study is completed by a social worker. They will walk through the house, set up interviews, and provide education on how to prepare for adoption. The majority of couples who apply for a home study are approved as long as they are ready emotionally, monetarily, and physically, they have a safe home, and are prepared for adoption.

The purpose of creating a family portfolio or adoption book, is so that you can be presented to expectant mothers. These books usually contain a “Dear Expectant Mother letter” and photos of the couple of family. Each expectant mother is looking for something different when they decide to place their child. Your family book just helps a mom get to know the kind of family that her child would grow up with. Our goal in our book is to be open and honest with who we are and what kind of family we have.
P.S. if you have any good or raw pictures of Dillon or I that you think belong in our family portfolio feel free to email them to me. Sometimes candid photos can capture people much better than posed pictures can.

The most known part of adoption is the wait. There are an almost equal number of families that have had a baby placed within 6 months of being home study approved and those that have waited years for placement. This is also considered one of the hardest parts of adoption. We are praying now that we would be able to tackle the waiting period with patience, grace, and contentment. One of the benefits of the wait is it gives us time to gather the money that is required when you are matched.

Getting matched means that we were presented to an expectant mother who choose to match with us. We love that while we get to choose what mothers we want to be presented to the expectant mother gets to have the final decision. While it can be hard to hear that an expectant mother didn’t pick you we know that God has a plan for each and every one of us involved in this process. (Feel free to remind us of that in the midst of this coming season.)

While it feels like this should be the last step placement is only the beginning of the end. Placement can take many forms. There is something called a stork drop where a mother did not make an adoption plan prior to going into the hospital or choose a family and she places the child for adoption. The more common situation would be matching with an expectant mother and then waiting until she goes into labor and then driving or flying to whatever state she is in. Expectant months sign the TPR (Termination of parental rights) usually when she is discharged from the hospital. After the TPR has been signed based on each state’s laws the mother has a certain amount of time before she can revoke her terminal, this is called the revocation period. After the TPR has been signed and the revocation period has passed the child would legally be ours.

The final step is finalization, where we would go before a judge and receive a revised birth certificate where our names and our child’s would be changed. These are the cute pictures that you see taken in the courthouse with a judge and while this is the last piece to make the adoption final we know that it doesn’t erase the fact that this child was born to another family. We are hoping to have a semi-open or an open adoption were we will be able to send pictures and updates to the birth parents or family and possibly even have the birth mother meet our family and visit with her biological child. Numerous studies have shown that adoptees that always knew they were adopted and were apart of an open adoption have less trauma that those in a closed adoption. While this would be our preference we understand that this is up to the birth mother’s decision and can change over the years.

We would ask that as you pray for us in this process that you would also pray for the expectant mothers that we will interact with and for our eventual child. We also would ask that you would learn a little about kind and considerate language in regards to adoption and expectant parents. We seek to glorify Christ with everything that we do in this process and the beginning of that is caring for others and their hearts.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.

Romans 12:9-10

The First Steps

Kirsten P.Leave a comment

and what I have learned so far.

At the end of this journey these days will feel like a blur. This season of learning, searching, and praying will quickly fade, this is the quiet stage and not everyone talks about it. All the sudden there is a Facebook update announcing “We are adopting” or “We are home study approved”. Usually your immediate response it “where did this come from?”. These decisions usually come from an unseen season where a couple feels the call of adoption is their next step.

The cute “we are adopting” post is coming but, there are just so many things that proceeded that announcement. I want to share that with you in the hopes that you will be able to ask us the hard questions, support us, and learn along with us. Very few people wake up one day and decide they are going to do something as life changing as adoption and then post it on Facebook.

Research. That’s my jam! We had agreed to pray about the possibility that now was the season to start the adoption process. I felt a calmness as I searched for answers on “how to start adoption?”, “how do you pick an agency?”, and “what are the legal requirements for adoption?”. The large price didn’t shock me, but it did make me wonder how to start the process of saving that money.

I am definitely a verbal processor and I like to know what I am doing before I jump into anything. I set up a coffee date with a mom that I knew was pursuing domestic adoption and text another mom who had completed a domestic adoption 2 years prior and asked for their advice and help.

Here are the things that I have learned in the last 2 months as I have dove deep into the world of adoption…

  • Adoption contains a triad – the adoptive parents, the adoptee, and the birth family
  • Language is important – did you know that calling a woman a birth mother before she has signed away her rights is hurtful and offensive. She is an expectant parent considering and possible making an adoption plan until after the baby has been born and she makes it legal.
  • It is important to adopt ethically – this phrase seems like common sense but the implications to this can be complicated and take dedication, hard work, and prayer.
  • Adoption is not 100% beautiful and is it not 100% ugly – The common phrases “adoption is a beautiful picture of love”, “adoption is so pure”, “adoption is the gospel” all ignore the difficult aspects of adoption and put a rose color lens on adoption. Anyone who understands the love that parents have for their children can quickly see how hard the process of letting your child grow up with parents other than yourself. There is trauma involved for both the birth mother and the adoptee. I want to talk about this more but its going to need its own post.
  • Adoption is not man’s idea – the idea of adoption is God’s, he has adopted each Christian as a child of His own and brought us into his family through salvation.

Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation. God settles the solitary in a home; he leads out the prisoners to prosperity, but the rebellious dwell in a parched land.

Psalm 68:5-6