home study

What Happens in the Wait

Aside Kirsten P.Leave a comment

Our story isn’t finished! It wasn’t over the day we picked up Aniyah. A new chapter had started. First, I want to go back, back to that period of waiting.

We didn’t write many updates, or tell stories during those months of unknown. Our days were full of going to work, going to church, hanging out with friends, seeing family, building my doula business, working as missionaries at our apartment complex, filling out paperwork, and wondering.

After our home study was complete we set to saving every penny we could, sharing our story as much as was polite, and explaining adoption to many who had LOTS of questions.

Days would go by where we didn’t think about it much and other days when all could think about was what season we would bring our baby home in. What state would this baby be from? What would the mom look like? What kind of expectant mother would choose a couple that was so young? Would we ever have enough funds to present our book to a mother considering adoption?

That last question caught me so many times. With COVID at its height I was unsure we would every raising enough funds, would we be able to save enough? Would we both keep our jobs during this whole thing? Our savings and adoption account grew at a steady and unreassuring rate.

I will never forget the first time I connected with an expectant birth mother. I will still never be able to tell you why her, but I can still tell you her name. When I read the case I wanted to present our book. After talking with Taylor at our consultant company it was apparent we weren’t in a financial place to present. Most of the money was due immediately and we didn’t have half of it. I was so confused, why was I drawn to this case when there was no hope? Was this a sign that we would never be ready?

Why is it so easy to doubt the whole plan at the first sight of trouble? Almost all the adoptive families I have talked with, ready stories from, and listened to on social media have at least one story of completely doubting they should adopt at all before they brought a child home. My consistent doubt was “will we ever be ready at the right time.”

In those times usually it was Dillon who would reassure that we would wait the proper amount of time according to God’s will and our job was to be patient and know that we weren’t in control. Looking back it is much easier to say but we were on God’s timeline. We began the process at the right time, we walked through the home study at the right time, and we presented our book at the right time. We only had to trust that the best things happen when we are not in control.

Aniyah Royal

Aside Kirsten P.Leave a comment

So many times I thought about writing about our wait, writing about how this adoption process was changing our lives, our hearts, and our relationship with Christ. Life moves on and it went on the back burner. This journey has brought so many unexpected trials and gifts. Now its time to tell the story of how we became parents to Aniyah overnight.

We had spent the last couple of months reading over cases that gave details about different expectant mothers and their pregnancies. We had chosen to present our family book to several mothers and each one picked a different family. We prayed over each of these women and praying that God’s will would be done and that whatever family these women choose, that the family would love these women well and present the gospel to them through their words and their actions.

It is hard to believe that exactly 29 weeks after we became home study approved we chose to present our family book to Aniyah’s biological mother. Monday night Dillon and I were doing normal life things, Dillon was playing Xbox and I was on a virtual book club call. At 9:21 pm (right as my book club was ending) we got an email saying that a baby had been born in Florida on Saturday night and that if we wanted to present our book we had to say yes to the case by 8am the next morning, we had to be able to get to Florida the next day, and all of the money for the case had to be available if the mother chose us. We had only presented to a handful of cases before and we knew that by us saying yes we had to be ready for all of this but we also had to be ready to hear no. The decision to present our family book wasn’t easy, we were about $9,000 short for the whole case on top of the huge undertaking of going from nothing to baby is less than 24 hours.

Dillon and I both called our parents and then I called our financial advisor and his wife from our consultant company. I reminded them the we had no assets, no fountain of money, and not great credit. After our calls we sat down to talk about it more and I was wavering between so many thoughts. Do we trust that the God who determined how the die would be cast in Esther was the God who would determine what family this mother chose. Should we depend on the belief that if God knew that this case was the daughter and expectant mother for us then he would give us the funds that we were lacking? Or did we know that while God gave Sarah children He had her wait decades before fulfilling His promise to her (not that God promised us children like Sarah.) Were we being challenged to step out in faith and trust that God would fulfill all the requirements or were we being challenged to have faith in our wait and be patient? After praying together we decided that we needed to be praying that whatever family this mother chose that they would present Christ to her with their actions, and their words. Dillon wanted to be able to sleep on the decision and we went to bed (very late.) Because Dillon had to leave for work the next morning at 7 am I woke up Dillon at 5:50 am so that “we would have time to talk about it.” Dillon woke up and said that there was no reason to say no, we had put our yes on the table months before and even though this situation was a little scary we were ready to say yes. After letting a few people and our families know that we were waiting on the mother’s decision we both went to work.

We knew that we should hear a response that same day and after some back and forth at 2:53 pm the agency and our consultant called me to let me know that we needed to start making our way to Florida because Aniyah’s biological mother had chosen us and had signed the paperwork required. We had a daughter waiting in a hospital in Florida.

Dillon got home at 3:30 pm, he helped me finish up packing and we decided that driving down to Florida would be quicker and less stressful. So at 4:48 pm we had picked up some baby items from our sweet friends who had gotten a suitcase of clothes, a diaper bag, a pack-and-play, and more ready for us the moment they heard we had been chosen, and we were driving south to Florida.

Dillon drove for a couple hours and when we stopped to grab a quick dinner I took over driving. We arrived in Jacksonville, Florida at 12:30 am on Wednesday, February 17th and picked up Aniyah from the home of the agency director who had picked up Aniyah when the hospital had discharged her that evening free of any health concerns.

While Dillon and I had refused to look at baby names we had a list that we had put together over 4 years ago together while we were engaged(yep… I know… crazy). After we had chosen to present to Aniyah’s biological mother Tuesday morning I felt like we should have a name. After looking at a few baby names list I remembered we had the name Aniyah on our list and I looked up the meaning.

Aniyah: God is gracious, and protected by Jehova

Nothing fit our situation better!

More on our story to come!

Puzzle Pieces & Money DOUBLED

Aside Kirsten P.Leave a comment

We have been home study approved since the end of June. Once our home study was complete we began to see “cases” from our consultant company. Through July and August there were very few cases, we were able to take the time to look at our savings goals, review our preferences, and apply for a couple of grants that we had in our back pocket waiting for our completed home study.

We are now at the stage where we need around $10,000-$15,000 before we are able to present to expectant families. These fee will cover expectant mother expenses, legal fees, and agency fees.

The financial hurdle is one of the most known and common reasons families don’t pursue adoption. When we decided to pursue domestic adoption we didn’t have a timeline and we didn’t have a list of ways we could afford the astronomical costs. We decided that we were willing to sacrifice pieces of our budget in order to put more money towards the adoption.

We have been so blessed and grateful for all of the encouragement, support and prayer that we have received through this process already. One of the huge blessings has been our church. We were able to meet with an elder in the first couple of months to talk about the emotions, ethics, common struggles, and different options available to us. We were also able to apply for a grant through our church’s adoption fund. Last week on my birthday we finally receive word, after waiting for eight weeks, that we have receive a funds grant and also a matching grant. This means means that every donation given to our Lifesong fundraising page is double up to $4,000. This financial aid means we have jumped a large leap towards our goal to have $10,000-$15,000 ready to present to any case that we feel called to present to!

We have been so excited about this puzzle fundraiser! Because of our matching grant your donation in this fundraiser is DOUBLE!! So here is how this fundraiser works.

It works like this:

1. We have a 117 piece puzzle we’ve created to hang in Baby Pegram’s room.

2. Each piece is number 1-117. You choose your price! Puzzle piece 1 is $1 and piece 24 is $24. You get the picture. You can choose to buy 1, 2, 3, or 10! (There is no limit to how many you can buy). If your not sure about which pieces have been claimed shoot me a message.

3. For each piece you adopt, we will send you the piece or pieces and ask that you decorate your pieces with markers, pens, paint, whatever you choose. We want this baby to grow up knowing they have a community that is behind them supporting them who is unique as each of these puzzle pieces.

4. As we begin collecting pieces, we will start assembling the puzzle. Once it’s complete, we will display it in a double sided frame, so both sides can be viewed. It will hang in Baby Pegram’s room as a tangible reminder of all the people that helped make us a family.

5. If you’d like to purchase a puzzle piece, you can send your donation through our fundraising page for your donation to be doubled and count as a tax-deductible donation. Add a note with your name, your address (where to send the puzzle pieces) and your numbers (for the puzzle pieces). https://mystory.lifesongfororphans.org/…/pegram…/

Our goal with this Puzzle Fundraiser is to sell all 117 pieces which will raise $6,903 PLUS the $4,000 matching grant for a total of $10,903 towards our adoption!

This will make it so we can present to expectant families (which we hope will be the case by the end of the year). Once we are matched with a family we will be able to apply for grants and continue to save. We have been knee deep in paperwork….and it seems impossible some days thinking about finances, but God. I have said multiple times that the costs for this adoption can’t be accounted for in a spreadsheet, I can’t plan away these fees and costs.

We have disappointing days where we feel like we don’t see an end, and we have days filled with hope because we aren’t writing our story, this baby’s story, or their first family’s story, but He is and God has a plan! We are so excited for this fundraiser and thank you in advance for participating in our story and for your generosity!

We are thrilled to grow our family through the adoption process and we are overwhelmed by all the love and support we have had from many of you in this process. If you have questions about the fundraiser or the adoption process please give us a shout and we would love to talk to you about your questions!

And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19

Home Study Approved!

Aside Kirsten P.Leave a comment

Friends and Family we are finally home study approved. Due to this COVID season we had a couple of things delayed. Things like fingerprinting for our FBI background check and doctor appointments for our physicals took months rather than weeks. When we started our home study we didn’t realize that it would be over four months before everything was finalized! Through each step so far we are continually reminded that God is in control of this process.

The home study is what tells the government that we are fit to be parents in any way they can measure. Now that this step is complete we will begin reviewing “cases” of expectant parents. These cases will contain basic information about the parents, information about the agency the parents are using, and the cost of the particular situation. This next season is what everyone calls “the wait”. We have been blessed with a patience that can only come from Christ and we are praying that this continues through this next season. We are also praying that as we look through these cases we would be filled with compassion and keep each of these parents who are facing hardships in our prayers.

During this season we will also be fundraising on top of building a fund from our own savings. Before we can present to a case we should have about $10,000 – $15,000. This will be a little over a fourth of the cost of our expected case cost. We are simultaneously applying for grants for the adoption.

If you would like to help us I would first ask that you pray with us! Second we are having a Facebook Silent Auction some time this fall. If you have a service or good that you would be willing to donate please let us know! We currently have a “crowd funding” page that you can make a tax deductible donation that will go towards our agency and lawyer fees here. If you are interested in other ways to aid us financially you can see the list on our Financial Support page.

Frequently Asked Questions Continued…

Aside Dillon P.Leave a comment

Part 2 – time lines, money & prayer questions, answers to the questions everyone is asking.

How long is it going to take?

This is probably the number one question we get. In short we do not know the timeline. We do know that God does though. We have learned that a fast adoption doesn’t always mean a good adoption. We are consciously taking the ethical route to the best of our ability and understand that may mean a longer wait. In the end we would prefer that we can look at our child and their biological mother and say with confidence that our decisions were based on what is best for them and not what got us what we wanted when we wanted it.

Do you still want you own children?

First: Whenever we bring home the child we adopt they will be our own. We know that we will be able to love a child that is adopted just as much as we would be able to love a biological child. Secondly: We are open to building our family whatever way God sees fit. We know that at any point God could heal whatever is broken and bless us with a healthy pregnancy, but in the end we believe with all our hearts that if that isn’t the case that God will be glorified through our struggles and that His ways are better than our own.

What happens if a mother decides to parent?

Then praise God. An expectant mother doesn’t terminate her parental rights until a couple days after the baby is born. In those few days in the hospital that mother is able to hold her child, bond, breastfeed, take pictures and make sure that she is positive that placing her child for adoption is the right option for her. In these few days some mothers do decided that they feel capable of raising their child and being a mom to their child. While we would love nothing more than to bring a child into our family we desperately want the child’s mother to have as little doubt as possible that she made the right decision. When an expectant mother decides to raise her child we will be heart broken and joyous at the same time and will keep her in our prayers.

Another reason that we get asked this question is because people want to know if we will get the funds that helped the mother through the pregnancy reimbursed. The short answer is no. While this would be hard those funds are not reimbursable as they went to support an expectant mother. We are looking at this as a way we can bless a mother who needed financial help during her pregnancy.

What happens if you get scammed?

We understand that while this is a possibility there is actually a low probability of this happening. Unfortunately drama is what sells, the few stories of adoption scams get widely published and talked about while the stories of calm adoptions go by quietly. We have also taken the necessary precautions like going through an agency and using a lawyer instead of self matching or self advertising.

How can we help?

Continue to pray for us as we walk through this time and come along side us in anyway you feel you can. Allow the Lord to work though you in this time to support us in anyway you feel fit. There are consistent decisions that we need to make so praying that God would give us wisdom through this process is always helpful. Ask questions, we enjoy talking about the good parts, and the hard parts. We would also really appreciate it if you would pray for the expectant mother and baby that we get matched with, that they would be healthy and that God would protect them wherever they are.

How much do you have left to raise?

We won’t know how much the adoption will cost until after we are matched and chosen by an expectant mother. In the meantime we are estimating that the adoption will cost $39,000. This could be an over-estimation or an under-estimation, but we won’t know the solid number realistically until everything is said and done.

When is the next fundraiser?

We have a couple fundraising ideas in the works but don’t have anything nailed down. The next big cost will be our home study. We have paid our home study application fee and have $1,500 that will be due in chunks over the next couple of months. While we don’t have an organized fundraiser we will always be selling coffee through Gobena and our adoption shirts through Bonfire. We have been amazed by all the support that we have received already, when you buy a bag or 4 of coffee or a shirt that money is easily accessed and can go towards things like application fees, profile books, ect that will be a regular occurrence the more we pursue the adoption.

What happens if you raise more than you need?

If we end up raising more funds that we need for the adoption we have a couple of options and depending on how much extra was raised and based on the donors preferences we would like to give the extra funds to an organization that helps birth mothers adjust to life after placement. If and when this becomes a reality we will be very honest and open with what we are doing with the raised money.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Romans 12:12

T Shirts and Coffee!

Aside Kirsten P.Leave a comment

It’s Fundraising Time!!

There hasn’t been any real tangible updates so far, until now! We have completed the application to our consultant company and filled out all the paperwork for our first grant and fundraising page. So much of the work so far has been behind the scenes, and mostly in our heads. Finally we are ready to start putting out tangible ways that others can help us on this journey and we are more than ready.

We are working on starting our home study which I mentioned in our last update. We still need $4,000 and have finally decided on a few ways we would like to ask for your help.

The first way is through our T shirt fundraiser. A lot of thought went into these shirts and we hope you love them as much as we do! The proceeds will go to help us start our home study. We have HUGE goal of 120 shirts but we are reaching high and hoping that our many communities will be as excited about these shirts as we are. The shirts are very general so sharing them with your family and friends even if they don’t know us would be a huge blessing. Also, if you order your shirt by November 27th it will be here before Christmas.

Make sure to read the bottom our our t shirt page as it explains the inspiration and reason behind our design! The more shirts we sell per batch the more money per shirt is raised.

We are also going to be partnering with Gobena Coffee. Who doesn’t love coffee right? By purchasing your coffee through Gobena they will give 50% of every purchase that is made through our page into our adoption fund. Dillon and I love the passion and purpose of Gobena. You can read their story here! They have a huge heart for orphan care and have some great coffee options and even have gift baskets right in time to get a gift for the coffee lover in your life.

If you have any questions please feel free to reach out to us. We would love for prayer as we save funds each month in order to get us closer to starting our home study. We would love to start our home study before the new year but know that God’s timing is perfect.

Starting Our Home Study

Aside Kirsten P.Leave a comment

Consultant companies, fundraising, and more…

Since we announced our adoption plans on August 27th Dillon and I have been working through the steps of setting everything up for this adoption journey. We have been able to sit down with those who have gone before us in the adoption process and started the process of finding more families. (If you have done domestic adoption before please feel free to reach out to us, we are looking for people to share their story so that we can ask all of the questions!)

BIG NEWS: We have chosen our consultant company! This wasn’t an easy task, this company – our consultant, will be the person walking with us through every step of the process. We wanted to choose someone we felt confident and comfortable with while also looking at the company’s policies, standards, and ethics. We are so excited to be working with Mustard Seed Adoption Consultants! With this decision we are finally ready to start our home study and pay our consultant fee.

We have waited to start the home study until we could get the advice of our consultant, who will be able to tell us who they have worked with before, what qualifications we should look for, and those that will provide the best education and preparation for the adoption.

With these steps comes the need to start making payments. These first “smaller” amounts will be a part of the average $40,000 that a domestic infant adoption costs. Our home study will cost any where from $1,300 – $1,600 in North Carolina. We will also pay about $3,000 for our consultant fee. Depending on what day it is, what hour it is, and how Dillon and I have looked at these cost they either seem very doable and simple or an unfathomable amount of money. We have been trying to penny pinch in order to be able to save as much of our own money for this adoption as possible but we know that we would never be able to afford it without fundraising.

We have set a goal to be home study approved by the end of January which would mean that we would have to start our home study by the beginning of December at the latest. We know that every step will happen in God’s timing but we also know that setting goals and a time line helps us as we move through this long process.

We have been thinking through different ways to fund raise the first $4000. One of the ways that we are hoping to raise some money is by partnering with a company that creates custom signs and art for fun Christmas gifts. The woman who runs this company has a huge heart for adoption, is single, and she gives all her proceeds to families that are in the process of adoption. We are currently filling out paperwork to see if we qualify before our home study is competed.

We also, have decided not to start a crowd or fund raising website for the time being. After we are home study approved we will be applying for an adoption grant through our home church, Imago Dei, and through that we will be getting a donation page. All donations that are given through them will be tax deductible.

If you are wanting to make a cash donation to us for the consultant/home study fees you are always welcome to send us a check and just put in the memo that it is for the adoption. If you are wanting to make sure the money is tax deductible you are now able to donate to our church (through their website) and just make sure to notate that it is for the “Pegram Family Adoption”. We will have access to all the money that is donated there.

In looking for ways to raise money I have struggled with the thought of asking our friends and family to help monetarily. I have fund raised many times before for mission trips and camp but never an amount of this magnitude. In my selfishness I have not wanted to ask for help in this way but I have had to remind myself over and over that this is what the body of Christ is for. If Dillon and I were able to pay for this adoption all by ourselves we would but we know that God will be glorified through the body of Christ working together to care for an orphan child and any expectant mothers along this journey.

Please pray for Dillon and I as we begin to start (what feels like never ending) paperwork for this adoption. Also, be praying for wisdom and grace as we start the fund raising and home study process and all the decisions that will come along with it.

For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.

Romans 12: 4-5

From whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

Ephesians 4:16

Consultant Company or Placement Agency

Aside Kirsten P.Leave a comment

When we started looking into the first steps we realized that the agency or consultant company was an important decision. The company you choose will be responsible for sending your profiles of expectant mothers, presenting you to these mothers, answering your questions, referring you to attorneys, and home study companies. They are your main point of contact.

One of our big goals is to adopt ethically. This may seem like a given but the ins and outs can be a little foggy. Part of adopting ethically is making sure that the expectant or birth mother is treated with dignity and respect. Adopting ethically also means knowing where your money is going, unfortunately there are too many people who seek to take advantage of expectant mothers and hopeful adoptive parents and while there are something that you just couldn’t know ahead of time having a company who is paying attention to red flags is a must.

Consultant companies are usually non-profit companies that can be a middle man hopeful adoptive parents. Consultant companies are hired usually at the beginning and they refer you to home study companies, help you figure out how to fund raise, save your money, and apply for grants. They also are there to point you to resources and answer your many questions as you walk through this journey.

Consultant companies also make it so that you do not have to pick one agency and wait until they have an expectant mother to match you with. Some agencies match quickly because they have an abundant amount of expectant mothers who trust them and other have more waiting families than they have expectant mothers. Some couples wait years because most agencies require a large upfront payment (sometimes half the adoption costs) and then they don’t have many opportunities to present or sometimes you may have preferences that don’t match what this agency’s mothers fit.

When Dillon and I were looking at both consultant companies and placement agencies we didn’t feel too strongly one way or the other. As we began to search the list of possible consultants that we liked and we felt comfortable grew while the list of agencies stayed small. As we researched the benefits and the cons of consultant companies we realized that the helpfulness, and the intimacy offered by a consultant company would be invaluable and was just what we were looking for.

This means that we will hire a consultant company before starting our home study so that we can get first hand knowledge on the best company near us as the home study is a very important and educational piece of this puzzle. This also means that we will be presented to mothers from multiple agencies and then once we are matched we will essentially be matched with an agency as well.

One of the more difficult things about going with a consultant is that we are not specifically looking at the agency requirements and ethics until after we are matched with an expectant mother. We have made sure to choose consultant companies that pay close attention to the ethics of the agencies that they work with and we feel such a peace in this decision.

Right now we have two christian consultant companies that we are deciding between. Both have excellent reviews, are professional and easy to reach, and line up with what we are looking for. The main differences are the way that expectant mothers are presented and the length of time that the agencies have been practicing, one has been around much longer and the other is newer. We would love your prayer as we seek God’s wisdom in this decision, we really don’t feel like there is a right or wrong answer but more are trying to make a big decision.

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.

James 3:17