wisdom

What Happens in the Wait

Aside Kirsten P.Leave a comment

Our story isn’t finished! It wasn’t over the day we picked up Aniyah. A new chapter had started. First, I want to go back, back to that period of waiting.

We didn’t write many updates, or tell stories during those months of unknown. Our days were full of going to work, going to church, hanging out with friends, seeing family, building my doula business, working as missionaries at our apartment complex, filling out paperwork, and wondering.

After our home study was complete we set to saving every penny we could, sharing our story as much as was polite, and explaining adoption to many who had LOTS of questions.

Days would go by where we didn’t think about it much and other days when all could think about was what season we would bring our baby home in. What state would this baby be from? What would the mom look like? What kind of expectant mother would choose a couple that was so young? Would we ever have enough funds to present our book to a mother considering adoption?

That last question caught me so many times. With COVID at its height I was unsure we would every raising enough funds, would we be able to save enough? Would we both keep our jobs during this whole thing? Our savings and adoption account grew at a steady and unreassuring rate.

I will never forget the first time I connected with an expectant birth mother. I will still never be able to tell you why her, but I can still tell you her name. When I read the case I wanted to present our book. After talking with Taylor at our consultant company it was apparent we weren’t in a financial place to present. Most of the money was due immediately and we didn’t have half of it. I was so confused, why was I drawn to this case when there was no hope? Was this a sign that we would never be ready?

Why is it so easy to doubt the whole plan at the first sight of trouble? Almost all the adoptive families I have talked with, ready stories from, and listened to on social media have at least one story of completely doubting they should adopt at all before they brought a child home. My consistent doubt was “will we ever be ready at the right time.”

In those times usually it was Dillon who would reassure that we would wait the proper amount of time according to God’s will and our job was to be patient and know that we weren’t in control. Looking back it is much easier to say but we were on God’s timeline. We began the process at the right time, we walked through the home study at the right time, and we presented our book at the right time. We only had to trust that the best things happen when we are not in control.

Home Study Approved!

Aside Kirsten P.Leave a comment

Friends and Family we are finally home study approved. Due to this COVID season we had a couple of things delayed. Things like fingerprinting for our FBI background check and doctor appointments for our physicals took months rather than weeks. When we started our home study we didn’t realize that it would be over four months before everything was finalized! Through each step so far we are continually reminded that God is in control of this process.

The home study is what tells the government that we are fit to be parents in any way they can measure. Now that this step is complete we will begin reviewing “cases” of expectant parents. These cases will contain basic information about the parents, information about the agency the parents are using, and the cost of the particular situation. This next season is what everyone calls “the wait”. We have been blessed with a patience that can only come from Christ and we are praying that this continues through this next season. We are also praying that as we look through these cases we would be filled with compassion and keep each of these parents who are facing hardships in our prayers.

During this season we will also be fundraising on top of building a fund from our own savings. Before we can present to a case we should have about $10,000 – $15,000. This will be a little over a fourth of the cost of our expected case cost. We are simultaneously applying for grants for the adoption.

If you would like to help us I would first ask that you pray with us! Second we are having a Facebook Silent Auction some time this fall. If you have a service or good that you would be willing to donate please let us know! We currently have a “crowd funding” page that you can make a tax deductible donation that will go towards our agency and lawyer fees here. If you are interested in other ways to aid us financially you can see the list on our Financial Support page.

Frequently Asked Questions Continued…

Aside Dillon P.Leave a comment

Part 2 – time lines, money & prayer questions, answers to the questions everyone is asking.

How long is it going to take?

This is probably the number one question we get. In short we do not know the timeline. We do know that God does though. We have learned that a fast adoption doesn’t always mean a good adoption. We are consciously taking the ethical route to the best of our ability and understand that may mean a longer wait. In the end we would prefer that we can look at our child and their biological mother and say with confidence that our decisions were based on what is best for them and not what got us what we wanted when we wanted it.

Do you still want you own children?

First: Whenever we bring home the child we adopt they will be our own. We know that we will be able to love a child that is adopted just as much as we would be able to love a biological child. Secondly: We are open to building our family whatever way God sees fit. We know that at any point God could heal whatever is broken and bless us with a healthy pregnancy, but in the end we believe with all our hearts that if that isn’t the case that God will be glorified through our struggles and that His ways are better than our own.

What happens if a mother decides to parent?

Then praise God. An expectant mother doesn’t terminate her parental rights until a couple days after the baby is born. In those few days in the hospital that mother is able to hold her child, bond, breastfeed, take pictures and make sure that she is positive that placing her child for adoption is the right option for her. In these few days some mothers do decided that they feel capable of raising their child and being a mom to their child. While we would love nothing more than to bring a child into our family we desperately want the child’s mother to have as little doubt as possible that she made the right decision. When an expectant mother decides to raise her child we will be heart broken and joyous at the same time and will keep her in our prayers.

Another reason that we get asked this question is because people want to know if we will get the funds that helped the mother through the pregnancy reimbursed. The short answer is no. While this would be hard those funds are not reimbursable as they went to support an expectant mother. We are looking at this as a way we can bless a mother who needed financial help during her pregnancy.

What happens if you get scammed?

We understand that while this is a possibility there is actually a low probability of this happening. Unfortunately drama is what sells, the few stories of adoption scams get widely published and talked about while the stories of calm adoptions go by quietly. We have also taken the necessary precautions like going through an agency and using a lawyer instead of self matching or self advertising.

How can we help?

Continue to pray for us as we walk through this time and come along side us in anyway you feel you can. Allow the Lord to work though you in this time to support us in anyway you feel fit. There are consistent decisions that we need to make so praying that God would give us wisdom through this process is always helpful. Ask questions, we enjoy talking about the good parts, and the hard parts. We would also really appreciate it if you would pray for the expectant mother and baby that we get matched with, that they would be healthy and that God would protect them wherever they are.

How much do you have left to raise?

We won’t know how much the adoption will cost until after we are matched and chosen by an expectant mother. In the meantime we are estimating that the adoption will cost $39,000. This could be an over-estimation or an under-estimation, but we won’t know the solid number realistically until everything is said and done.

When is the next fundraiser?

We have a couple fundraising ideas in the works but don’t have anything nailed down. The next big cost will be our home study. We have paid our home study application fee and have $1,500 that will be due in chunks over the next couple of months. While we don’t have an organized fundraiser we will always be selling coffee through Gobena and our adoption shirts through Bonfire. We have been amazed by all the support that we have received already, when you buy a bag or 4 of coffee or a shirt that money is easily accessed and can go towards things like application fees, profile books, ect that will be a regular occurrence the more we pursue the adoption.

What happens if you raise more than you need?

If we end up raising more funds that we need for the adoption we have a couple of options and depending on how much extra was raised and based on the donors preferences we would like to give the extra funds to an organization that helps birth mothers adjust to life after placement. If and when this becomes a reality we will be very honest and open with what we are doing with the raised money.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Romans 12:12

Ethical Language in Adoption

Aside Kirsten P.

What “ethical language” means and why it is important.

One of the simplest ways that we can strive to walk through this adoption season well is using the kind, ethical, and considerate language surrounding adoption. By making an effort to use these and other ethical phrases and words we are being respectful and kind to all parties in the adoption triad. What and how we say things can have a huge impact and the reasoning behind certain phrases can reveal what we believe about adoption. This phrase from AdoptMatch helps sum up the importance of our words and phrases.

Language is the vehicle we use daily to communicate our ideas and notions about the world we live in. And although we might not be aware of it, there is also a subtext to the words we choose, reflecting our values in subtle ways, even when we aren’t consciously trying to do so. Words have a way of shaping/revealing our beliefs and thought processes.

“their real mother/father/parents” > biological mother/father/parents or first family

This one might seem basic but often its what rolls off the tongue when you don’t think about it. Adoptive parents aren’t fake parents and biological parents aren’t the real parents. Adoption creates a triad and all involved play a very important role.

“did the birth mom give him/her up?” > Did his/her first/ biological /birth mom make an adoption plan?

When we say that a mother gave her child up we are implying that the decision to give away the child (like a possession) was something taken lightly. This decision isn’t an easy one and we want to respect the difficulty of putting a child’s well being above a mother’s feelings, and desires. The choice to make an adoption plan not easy and

“children of your own”? > biological children

An adopted child is not less of our child because they do not share our DNA. God has called us to this adoption and has called each and every one of us to make disciples. We believe that we are called to raise this child as a disciple of Christ just the same as we would with a biological child.

“birth mom” > expectant mom

When a mother has made a birth plan but is still pregnant she has not terminated her parental rights. She is still the mother of the child and the adoption is only a plan until she has signed the TPR (termination of parental rights). When we are matched with a mother she will be an expectant mom until the adoption is finalized at that point she will become the birth mother.

“adopted child” > child

After the adoption has been finalized there isn’t a need to specify that the child was adopted when meeting people or introducing the child. Adoption isn’t a bad thing and it shouldn’t be a secret. Adding “adopted” every time you refer to the child will constantly separate the child from just being our child. Adoption isn’t something anyone should be ashamed but it isn’t what defines this child, the love of Christ and parents that want to raise him/her to be a disciple of Christ is what matter most.

“She decided to keep her child” > She decided to parent her child

Saying that an expectant mother chose to “keep her child,” implies that the child is a possession to be had and ignores the responsibilities of parenting. Instead, by saying she will “parent her child” shows that she is choosing to parent instead of placing for adoption, which is very much within her right and an option that she should feel empowered to choose. When a mom comes to a place where she feels ready and capable of parenting her child we want to celebrate with her and also add her to our prayers!!

Common Phrases to Avoid
  • It is so wonderful that you have adopted a child in need!
  • You son/daughter is so luck to have been adopted by you!
  • You child is so much better off with you as a parent.
  • I could not raise someone else’s child.

“What’s wrong with these phrases?It is very important to consider positive adoption language when talking to adoptive families about their children. The phrases mentioned above are problematic because they are based on misguided assumptions about adoption. Phrases like these imply that adoptive parents are more saint-like than the birth parents and are somehow better and more fit to parent. They also imply that adoptees should feel grateful, and even indebted, to their adoptive parents for adopting them, which completely ignores all the losses associated with adoption. These kinds of phrases are damaging and need to be erased from the adoption dialogue.”- AdoptMatch

We know it may seem like a little thing but the implications of some of these phrases can change the way we respect a child’s first family or the way a child views themselves. We know that God calls us to do everything to the best of our ability and to view others as more important than ourselves. We believe that changing our language can accomplish both of these things. Thank you all for your love and kindness in this and for everything you are doing for our family.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Ephesians 4:29 

The Body of Christ at Work

Aside Kirsten P.Leave a comment

Valentines is right around the corner!! Can you believe that we are already almost out on the first month of the new year?

I will never forget reading the book Orphanology. My heart for the orphan was growing when I heard of the book. I was so frustrated that at 16 years old there was very little I could do to care for the orphan, that was until I read the book. Orphanology explains our call as Christians to do mercy ministry as my church likes to call it – care for the poor, orphan, widow, and vulnerable. It also goes over how this is not just a calling for married couples that are ready for kids, it talks of ways that whole churches can get involved and how each believer has a role to play.

I love seeing friends and family who care about this calling to care for the vulnerable. It looks different for each person and your support in our adoption is a part of this.

I have some very exciting news! We are partnering with a sweet friend from church who owns her own company that’s sole goal is to help families that are pursuing adoption. Andee Hart took her skill of making beautiful home decor pieces and combined it with her huge heart for families that are pursuing adoption, together they create an amazing business model that gives all of the earnings to adoption. Her motto is “decorating homes, inspiring adoptions”. You can check out her work at www.hartdesignco.com, read more about her story, and check out her social media to see other families that she has supported.

Take a look at the store and pick our a piece or two (or five) and hold on to it. Our fundraiser will last go from February 1- February 15th. We will be advertising it during that time on both our personal social media profiles and on the Hart Design Page. Once the campaign has started share her store with anyone you can think of! There won’t be a special code or a secret password so anyone who orders in those 2 weeks will benefit us.

We know that there are several of you who have specifically asked for a place where you can donate funds directly towards us. We are glad to say that we now have a place for you to do so. Each donation made on our page will be held in an account solely for adoption costs and is tax deductible. The goal on the page is a rough estimate currently of the budgeted cost for the adoption so don’t be overwhelmed. Each small gift will help us inch closer to the finish line.

For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.

Romans 12:4-5

Starting Our Home Study

Aside Kirsten P.Leave a comment

Consultant companies, fundraising, and more…

Since we announced our adoption plans on August 27th Dillon and I have been working through the steps of setting everything up for this adoption journey. We have been able to sit down with those who have gone before us in the adoption process and started the process of finding more families. (If you have done domestic adoption before please feel free to reach out to us, we are looking for people to share their story so that we can ask all of the questions!)

BIG NEWS: We have chosen our consultant company! This wasn’t an easy task, this company – our consultant, will be the person walking with us through every step of the process. We wanted to choose someone we felt confident and comfortable with while also looking at the company’s policies, standards, and ethics. We are so excited to be working with Mustard Seed Adoption Consultants! With this decision we are finally ready to start our home study and pay our consultant fee.

We have waited to start the home study until we could get the advice of our consultant, who will be able to tell us who they have worked with before, what qualifications we should look for, and those that will provide the best education and preparation for the adoption.

With these steps comes the need to start making payments. These first “smaller” amounts will be a part of the average $40,000 that a domestic infant adoption costs. Our home study will cost any where from $1,300 – $1,600 in North Carolina. We will also pay about $3,000 for our consultant fee. Depending on what day it is, what hour it is, and how Dillon and I have looked at these cost they either seem very doable and simple or an unfathomable amount of money. We have been trying to penny pinch in order to be able to save as much of our own money for this adoption as possible but we know that we would never be able to afford it without fundraising.

We have set a goal to be home study approved by the end of January which would mean that we would have to start our home study by the beginning of December at the latest. We know that every step will happen in God’s timing but we also know that setting goals and a time line helps us as we move through this long process.

We have been thinking through different ways to fund raise the first $4000. One of the ways that we are hoping to raise some money is by partnering with a company that creates custom signs and art for fun Christmas gifts. The woman who runs this company has a huge heart for adoption, is single, and she gives all her proceeds to families that are in the process of adoption. We are currently filling out paperwork to see if we qualify before our home study is competed.

We also, have decided not to start a crowd or fund raising website for the time being. After we are home study approved we will be applying for an adoption grant through our home church, Imago Dei, and through that we will be getting a donation page. All donations that are given through them will be tax deductible.

If you are wanting to make a cash donation to us for the consultant/home study fees you are always welcome to send us a check and just put in the memo that it is for the adoption. If you are wanting to make sure the money is tax deductible you are now able to donate to our church (through their website) and just make sure to notate that it is for the “Pegram Family Adoption”. We will have access to all the money that is donated there.

In looking for ways to raise money I have struggled with the thought of asking our friends and family to help monetarily. I have fund raised many times before for mission trips and camp but never an amount of this magnitude. In my selfishness I have not wanted to ask for help in this way but I have had to remind myself over and over that this is what the body of Christ is for. If Dillon and I were able to pay for this adoption all by ourselves we would but we know that God will be glorified through the body of Christ working together to care for an orphan child and any expectant mothers along this journey.

Please pray for Dillon and I as we begin to start (what feels like never ending) paperwork for this adoption. Also, be praying for wisdom and grace as we start the fund raising and home study process and all the decisions that will come along with it.

For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.

Romans 12: 4-5

From whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.

Ephesians 4:16

Consultant Company or Placement Agency

Aside Kirsten P.Leave a comment

When we started looking into the first steps we realized that the agency or consultant company was an important decision. The company you choose will be responsible for sending your profiles of expectant mothers, presenting you to these mothers, answering your questions, referring you to attorneys, and home study companies. They are your main point of contact.

One of our big goals is to adopt ethically. This may seem like a given but the ins and outs can be a little foggy. Part of adopting ethically is making sure that the expectant or birth mother is treated with dignity and respect. Adopting ethically also means knowing where your money is going, unfortunately there are too many people who seek to take advantage of expectant mothers and hopeful adoptive parents and while there are something that you just couldn’t know ahead of time having a company who is paying attention to red flags is a must.

Consultant companies are usually non-profit companies that can be a middle man hopeful adoptive parents. Consultant companies are hired usually at the beginning and they refer you to home study companies, help you figure out how to fund raise, save your money, and apply for grants. They also are there to point you to resources and answer your many questions as you walk through this journey.

Consultant companies also make it so that you do not have to pick one agency and wait until they have an expectant mother to match you with. Some agencies match quickly because they have an abundant amount of expectant mothers who trust them and other have more waiting families than they have expectant mothers. Some couples wait years because most agencies require a large upfront payment (sometimes half the adoption costs) and then they don’t have many opportunities to present or sometimes you may have preferences that don’t match what this agency’s mothers fit.

When Dillon and I were looking at both consultant companies and placement agencies we didn’t feel too strongly one way or the other. As we began to search the list of possible consultants that we liked and we felt comfortable grew while the list of agencies stayed small. As we researched the benefits and the cons of consultant companies we realized that the helpfulness, and the intimacy offered by a consultant company would be invaluable and was just what we were looking for.

This means that we will hire a consultant company before starting our home study so that we can get first hand knowledge on the best company near us as the home study is a very important and educational piece of this puzzle. This also means that we will be presented to mothers from multiple agencies and then once we are matched we will essentially be matched with an agency as well.

One of the more difficult things about going with a consultant is that we are not specifically looking at the agency requirements and ethics until after we are matched with an expectant mother. We have made sure to choose consultant companies that pay close attention to the ethics of the agencies that they work with and we feel such a peace in this decision.

Right now we have two christian consultant companies that we are deciding between. Both have excellent reviews, are professional and easy to reach, and line up with what we are looking for. The main differences are the way that expectant mothers are presented and the length of time that the agencies have been practicing, one has been around much longer and the other is newer. We would love your prayer as we seek God’s wisdom in this decision, we really don’t feel like there is a right or wrong answer but more are trying to make a big decision.

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.

James 3:17